FC Barcelona (assistant manager)
- "Luis Fernández has made this shock [defeat of Barcelona] a war of dogs. I only talk about men, not of rude children." [first contact with the press, after Fernández made fun of Guardiola following his team defeating Barcelona]
- "The only thing that I want to say is that we are the best ones and in normal conditions we are more than the best ones. In normal conditions we will be champions. In abnormal conditions we also will be champions."
- "Please don’t call me arrogant, but I’m European champion and I think I’m a special one."
- "If I wanted to have an easy job I would have stayed at Porto. Beautiful blue chair, the UEFA Champions League trophy, God, and after God, me."
- "For me, pressure is bird flu. I'm feeling a lot of pressure with the problem in Scotland. It's not fun and I'm more scared of it than football."
- "I told Mr Ferguson that United didn't deserve to leave Stamford Bridge with nothing." [After beating them 1-0]
- "If they made a film of my life, I think they should get George Clooney to play me. He's a fantastic actor and my wife thinks he would be ideal."
- "I think he is one of these people who is a voyeur. He likes to watch other people. There are some guys who, when they are at home, have a big telescope to see what happens in other families. He speaks, speaks, speaks about Chelsea." [about Arsene Wenger]
- "I would say if all the names you wrote in the last few days are correct we would have a 50-player squad and I hate to work with big squads."
- "It will be the strongest Champions League ever. Every shark will be there."
- "As we say in Portugal, they brought the bus and they left the bus in front of the goal."
- "It's like having a blanket that is too small for the bed. You pull the blanket up to keep your chest warm and your feet stick out. I cannot buy a bigger blanket because the supermarket is closed. But the blanket is made of cashmere!" [During a Chelsea injury crisis]."
- "Young players are a little bit like melons. Only when you open and taste the melon are you 100% sure that the melon is good."
- "The style of how we play is very important. But it is omelettes and eggs. No eggs - no omelettes! It depends on the quality of the eggs. In the supermarket you have class one, two or class three eggs and some are more expensive than others and some give you better omelettes. So when the class one eggs are in Waitrose and you cannot go there, you have a problem."
- "Sometimes you see beautiful people with no brains. Sometimes you have ugly people who are intelligent, like scientists. Our pitch is a bit like that. From the top it's a disgrace but the ball rolls at normal speed."
- "Maybe the guy drank red wine or beer with breakfast instead of milk."[After a Sheffield United fan threw a bottle at Frank Lampard]
- "A player from Man City showed half of his ass for two seconds and it was a big nightmare. But this is a real nightmare."[Comparing Petr Cech's nasty injury with Joey Barton's bottom-baring antics.]
- "My wife is in Portugal with the dog. The dog is with my wife so the city of London is safe, the big threat is away."[After his Yorkshire Terrier had issues with customs.]
- "A brilliant reaction. I hate it when players just walk off."[Following Arjen Robben's sharp exit down the tunnel after being substituted against Aston Villa.]
- "As you know Gallas had an unbelievable holiday. I hope he enjoyed it very much in Guadeloupe, which I think is a fantastic place to be on holiday, so he wanted to stay there for a long time."[On William Gallas missing the first team's trip to the United States because he was on holiday.]
- "Look at my haircut. I am ready for the war."
- "I did it because I want to push my son to do the same. I also did it because I want to push the young players on my team to have a proper haircut, not the Rastafarian or the others they have."
- "When I saw Rijkaard entering the referee's dressing room I couldn't believe it. When Drogba was sent off I didn't get surprised."
- "During the afternoon it rained only in this stadium - our kitman saw it. There must be a micro-climate here. The pitch was like a swimming pool."
FC Internazionale Milano
- "Zeru tituli"
- "I studied Italian five hours a day for many months to ensure I could communicate with the players, media and fans. [Claudio] Ranieri had been in England for five years and still struggled to say ‘good morning’ and ‘good afternoon.'"
- “As for Lo Monaco I do not know who he is. With the name Monaco I have heard of Bayern Monaco (Munich) and the Monaco GP, the Tibetan Monaco (Monk), and the Principality of Monaco. I have never heard of any others.” [after Catania president Pietro Lo Monaco claimed he wanted to 'smack [Mourinho] in the mouth' following Inter's November 2008 Serie A win in Sicily.]
Real Madrid CF
- "I am Jose Mourinho and I don't change. I arrive with all my qualities and my defects."
- "If I am hated at Barcelona, it is their problem but not mine. Fear is not a word in my football dictionary."
- "I am prepared. The more pressure there is, the stronger I am. In Portugal, we say the bigger the ship, the stronger the storm. Fortunately for me, I have always been in big ships. FC Porto was a very big ship in Portugal, Chelsea was also a big ship in England and Inter was a great ship in Italy. Now I'm at Real Madrid, which is considered the biggest ship on the planet."